The Blind Leading the Blind…Over a Cultural Cliff

“Only a woman can teach girls what it means to be a woman…” (Sax, Girls on the Edge, p. 231)

Shortly before I commenced my teaching career back in 2017, it was recommended that I peruse the writing of Leonard Sax, MD, Ph.D., a New York Times best-selling author whose work in researching and documenting biological gender differences has garnered national attention (and criticism).  Reading him improved my awareness as a young teacher (who had grown up with sisters) of why boys exhibit certain behaviors, such as their tendency to draw action scenes with little to no color, and of the benefits of having them stand up to learn (see Why Gender Matters for the full discussion).  Lately, however, I’ve been pondering the dynamics girls are facing today by re-reading the updated edition of Girls on the Edge: Why so Many Girls Are Anxious, Wired, and Obsessed.

Having been immersed in the society of middle schoolers for the past few years, I’ve observed an unhappy trend: the insular nature of adolescent girls’ relationships.  There are simply not many opportunities for them to connect with women outside of their peer group.  Common outlets for friendship building that are not sequestered by school typically include church groups, sports teams, and hobby clubs.  But often these are age-limited.  “Today, a girl’s community is more likely to consist primarily of other girls her own age” notes Sax himself (Girls on the Edge, p. 227).  This should alarm us because it’s unprecedented in human history (see p. 230 of Girls).

What happens when girls converse predominantly with those of their own age?  The topics usually devolve into rehashing personal grievances (see p. 227 of Girls).  Now we all need to unburden our hearts to a kindly soul (or better yet, the Divine), sometimes.  “Cast all your anxieties on him, for he cares about you” (1 Peter 5:7, RSV).  But if our interpersonal relations (and prayer life) are too self-focused, that will not foster maturation.  If you were to take a stroll with me around my campus, you would likely find that the 6^th, 7^th, and 8^th grade girls segregate themselves by class during lunch and that the divisions continue more or less into their recreation time.  You can bet that conversation centers on their own affairs, without even the benefit of having the perspective of girls one grade ahead, let alone that of an adult woman.  “This phenomenon [is called] co-rumination… [and its essence] is that talking with same-age peers about personal problems makes girls more anxious” (Girls, p. 228).  My colleagues and I can engage with them on some level in these settings while we are on “duty,” but they are preoccupied with their peers’ approval.  Modern management of schooling, which I’ve already raised questions on elsewhere, slants co-ed and student-focused.  In other words, contemporary educational settings, even classical ones, are not advancing intergenerational bonding among same-sex persons.

To be clear, Dr. Sax visited my current school during the fall of 2021 for professional development, where he presented on the rise in anxiety and depression among youth as well as building a culture of respect.  However, in his limited time, he did not elaborate extensively on the need to bridge the generational gap, which is so beneficial and protective for girls, that he advocates for in his book.  “The right kind of community involves girls learning from women their mother’s age and their grandmother’s age.  Older women can provide your daughter with a mature context and perspective.  Girls who are the same age as your daughter can’t do that” (Girls, p. 228).  Dr. Sax recommends that a young lady should forge friendships with her mother, another female relative, a non-related woman her mom’s age or older, and then with one to two girls around her age (see p. 240 of Girls).  These wise investments will withstand the “slings and arrows of outrageous fortune” (cf. Hamlet) that superficial relationships would wither under.

But what are the responsibilities of families and schools in creating this?  How can we serve our girls better if we “need to create an alternative counterculture in which it’s cool for girls to spend time in a community of women” (Girls, p. 231)?  Here are some ideas:

• Could there be a weekly or bi-weekly luncheon where the female teachers sit with their girls and their mothers at round tables to practice sociable dining? You could rotate groups but keep the mothers/daughters paired (since you want to seal that bond).
• How about opportunities for intramural sports for women and girls sponsored by churches, schools, and community rec centers that have a wide age range? If the point anyway of such leagues is to be less competitive and more about staying active with an amicable group, then there are activities that people of all ages could partake in…
• Or maybe this could simply be any aerobic activity women and girls could do together while talking, like a hiking/walking club, cycling, or swimming (the latter would especially help show girls what real women’s bodies look like).
• Besides opportunities to communally eat and recreate, the arts (if they are enduring) are also meant to appeal to multiple generations. Why not create book, cinema, and crafting clubs of all kinds for fifteen to fifty-five-plus-year-olds?  There would be some intriguing conversations over Willa Cather, Rear Window, and how to finish a quilt (to stitch or tie?) with so much combined life-experience present… and I’m sure with lots of tasty nibbles served along with the quibbles.
• How could we create more retreats, Bible studies, and service opportunities that bring women and girls praying, learning, and working alongside each other? Could the ladies rally together for a day of service for homeless women (it may surprise you just how high the figure might be in your area – it was reported in 2012 that 45% of the homeless population in my city were women).  Or pour over the lives of famous (or infamous) Biblical women?  What if marriage preparation programs consisted of pairing a bride with a volunteer mentor wife/mother/grandmother figure for several months?

To close, I was struck by Katerina Hamilton’s (née Kern) comment last summer at the Circe National Conference that she had been studying the role of Mary, the Theotokos, in art for about a decade before giving her excellent presentation on “Symbols of Feminine Power” …  That revelation manifests a wide-scale yearning among all girls (who haven’t become jaded) to know what it means to be a real woman—but someone of their rank and station in life won’t give them the depth they desire.  As Dr. Sax bluntly puts it, “Girls teaching same-age girls what it means to be a woman… [is] equivalent to the blind leading the blind” (Girls, p. 230).  I would chime in it’s towards a cliff.  A girl can’t become a “valiant woman” (cf. Proverbs 31) without a model of one, so if we continue our current practices of permitting girls to isolate themselves from wise women, we do so at the peril of forsaking womanhood for its caricature—and a world full of sterile girl-bosses, mean girls, and superficial girly girls doesn’t bode well for the preservation of culture.